This is a series about authenticity, validation, self-belief and personal power.
Imagine something happens. You turn to your friend and say, “How should I feel and what should I think about that?” In a nutshell, that is what self-validation is all about. Instead of turning to someone else, try asking yourself that question.
I had read about self-validation but for so long didn’t really understand what that meant or why it was so important. When I finally did work it out, I couldn’t believe what a difference it made to my life.
What Other People Think
Most of us worry about what other people are thinking and trust their opinions – even more than our own. We waste so much emotional energy trying to change another person’s behaviour or alter what they think of us.
We even worry about whether other people would approve of our feelings. Someone said to me recently that they still felt upset about a recent tragedy but everyone else thought they should be starting to get over it by now. They wanted reassurance that it was okay to feel as they did.
Trust in Yourself
You might change your behaviour or ignore your own feelings to gain the approval of other people or conform with how they think you should feel or behave. You might do or say things mainly to please others.
You may worry that someone is believing lies about you or has the wrong impression of you. Manipulative people may twist and turn situations, blaming you for their own behaviour, criticising you – and you feel frustrated, confused and dismayed. Why do they seem to have such a bad opinion of you? And why can’t you convince them that they’re wrong about you?
You have no power to change what anyone else thinks or how they behave. But there is one, and only one, person you can control. That person is yourself!
What do you do you when you feel hurt or upset? Many of us try to dull that feeling or avoid it by eating a snack, having a drink, phoning a friend or doing anything else that will divert our attention or ease the pain.
Instead of that, we should listen carefully to our own feelings and gently comfort and reassure ourselves.
How to self-validate
Self-validation can be something that transforms your life. It means trusting and listening to your own feelings and opinions. Not those thoughts inside your head, which can often race at a hundred miles an hour – but your feelings and emotions, deep inside your heart. And then, gently comfort and reassure yourself.
I was the worst offender – always thinking, thinking thinking, and trying to neglect and erase my own emotions.
Don’t ignore your own feelings – and never tell yourself that they are wrong or that you shouldn’t feel that way.
When you have a feeling, really listen to it. Trust and support that feeling. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel that way, whether it’s good or bad. When you’re hurting, comfort yourself with kind, loving words. Let yourself truly feel that emotion. Accept your feelings and don’t judge them.
The second aspect is to trust and support your own opinions – that is so important. If someone is criticising you, instead of believing them or trying to change their views, ask yourself honestly if you agree with them. If you don’t, then trust your own opinion. The other’s person’s critical comments will now ring hollow and hardly affect you.
It’s fine to get some feedback, support or encouragement from other people, but the most important person to deal with is yourself. Get used to relying primarily on your own feelings and opinions. Trust and value them, and learn to comfort and reassure yourself.
Don’t just use this skill when someone is criticising you, but in every aspect of your life, every day.
Now everything has changed. You have validated your own feelings and opinions, and suddenly you don’t need to talk to ten other people about them, get anyone else to agree with you or try to dull those feelings by doing something to try to wipe them from your mind. You are becoming self-reliant and powerful.
Do you practice self-validation? I’d love to hear about it.
My next article will be about becoming your own best friend.
Thank you for stopping by. My name is Toni Pike, a multi-genre author who loves writing thrillers for adults, non-fiction, and hilarious books for children.
I’m the author of DESOLATION BLUFF, DEAD DRY HEART and The Jotham Fletcher Mystery Thriller Series: THE MAGUS COVENANT, THE ROCK OF MAGUS, THE MAGUS EPIPHANY and HOLY SPEAR OF MAGUS. My latest release is for children aged 6-9: BRODY CODY AND THE STEPMOTHER FROM OUTER SPACE.
I’m also the author of two non-fiction books. THE ONE WAY DIET is a no-nonsense guide to losing weight and HAPPY TRAVELS 101 is a short book of travel tips.
All my books can be found HERE.
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