This is a series about authenticity, validation, self-belief and personal power.
Previously, I talked about values and living your truth – and that means living according to your own core values in every aspect of your life. This article is about standards – and next time I’ll be talking about boundaries.
The role of standards and boundaries
An important part of establishing your values and living your truth is not just thinking about your own behaviour. It’s also about what you’re willing to accept from other people. That doesn’t mean you have to make everyone else conform to your values. I’m referring to having a firm set of standards for what you will and won’t accept in your life.
If your core values, like mine, include honesty, kindness, loyalty and respect – then you won’t be living your truth if you allow people to treat you in another way. Having standards for other people that match your values will help you to live your truth.
Boundaries are the tools you use to enforce your standards. Just like a medieval town surrounded by a thick wall, having strong boundaries means that you can keep out those things and people that don’t match your values.
Standards and strong boundaries are two of the biggest secrets to living your truth.
Our standards should apply to all the people in our lives, including colleagues, family and friends. They apply in our workplace, and also to our partners, any potential partners, our children and parents.
I now realise my standards were very ill-defined for most of my life and my boundaries were as weak as tissue paper. I’ve recently tried to change that, and wanted to share my new standards with you. I’d love to know what you think.
- I will only accept being treated with decency, kindness and respect.
- I won’t trust anyone that I know is a liar
- I won’t tolerate, or make excuses for, anyone else’s toxic behaviour. That includes behaviour such as:
- verbal abuse or rage
- frequent or constant criticism, or barrages of criticism
- trying to make me feel that I’m always doing something wrong
- trying to invalidate, demean, or belittle me
- trying to make me feel as if I’m unimportant
- treating me as if I’m invisible – ignoring me or giving me no attention
- manipulating and gaslighting me (trying to alter my perception of reality)
- refusing to discuss any issues of concern or answer legitimate questions
- refusing to be accountable for their own behaviour
- blaming their own behaviour on me (shifting blame)
- being cruel and/or uncaring
- using the silent treatment
- using circular arguments and/or deliberately trying to confuse me
- lying to me
- playing verbal games such as pretending not to hear or understand me, interrupting, stamping on my speech, not responding, or criticising my speech.
Standards for a potential partner
If I was thinking about dating, I would only be interested in someone who:
- is not involved in any other relationship
- is reliable in all their dealings with me, such as contacting me and sticking to arrangements
- shows a genuine interest in getting to know me, my interests, background and character
- is interested in my friends and family
- takes me out and treats me properly
- is trustworthy and loyal
- is kind, caring, supportive and thoughtful
- is interested in and supportive of me and my goals
- treats me with respect
- has good manners
- is willing to discuss any issues with a view to resolving them and is accountable for their own behaviour
- is able to apologise
- never engages in any form of toxic behaviour (as described previously in my general standards)
Having thought about my standards, I now know exactly what I’m willing to accept in my life.
My next article will be about setting and maintaining boundaries – the weapons to use for enforcing your standards.
Have you thought about your standards? I’d love to hear about them.
Here are my other articles in this series:
#toxic #boundaries #redflags #standards #wellness
Thank you for stopping by. My name is Toni Pike, a multi-genre author who loves writing thrillers for adults, non-fiction, and hilarious books for children.
I’m the author of DESOLATION BLUFF, DEAD DRY HEART and The Jotham Fletcher Mystery Thriller Series: THE MAGUS COVENANT, THE ROCK OF MAGUS, THE MAGUS EPIPHANY and HOLY SPEAR OF MAGUS. My latest release is for children aged 6-9: BRODY CODY AND THE STEPMOTHER FROM OUTER SPACE.
I’m also the author of two non-fiction books. THE ONE WAY DIET is a no-nonsense guide to losing weight and HAPPY TRAVELS 101 is a short book of travel tips.
All my books can be found HERE.
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